Rainbow Bridge

 I've been here for almost a year now and apart from the fact that the whole notion is total tosh, it's not too bad. (In order for you, dear reader, to have the continued benefit of my doggy ramblings, we have to go along with the conceit of a life hereafter, even though my non-ghost writer is a devoted atheist). 

It's a bit crowded of course, because if we consider for a moment how many dogs there have ever been and what our life expectancy is - well, YOU work it out! And don't get me started about those other things roaming about - you know, the ones with whiskers that are always whining and showing off their bums. 

Enough of the "Old Lady" already!

Ya see, it's coming up to my fifteenth birthday. That's right people - FIF-FUCKIN-TEEN! I was born 04/04/04, or as I like to put it "arf!arf!arf!" Soo let's see .... doggy years 7 times yooman years 15 and - Jeez - I'm one hundred and five!

The old brain starts to go of course. I haven't posted here for almost six years. Mind you, my people keep things up to date somewhere but they can only see things from the perspective of what I believe are termed "pet-owners" - that phrase fair makes you shudder, doesn't it?

You may have seen elsewhere that I have recently had "a bit of a cough". OK, I do myself no favours by scoffing down dried garlic sausage and then hacking it up but what can a poor dog do? Basically, the vet at the Chamber of Horrors ("Spare me the madness!") says it's the old ticker. More meds - as though I don't take enough already, more jabs in the scruff,  more staggering about like I was pissed, legs going and all that.

But here I am. Full of beans (well, sausage) and raring to go. Now, all together -- "There are dogs - and then there are Jack Russells!" Too bloody right. Speak soon. Love ya!

A confession

After the Great Toe-Nail Cutting Disaster, I'm just getting back on an even keel, so to speak. A light breakfast followed by a trip round the Library Gardens, followed by a more substantial breakfast and a good kip should sort me out, or so I thought.

I have a problem with flat-faced dogs - boxers, pugs, those French thingies etc. - because, well, basically there is nothing to latch onto! And the ears aren't much to write home about either. But, I have to also say, that I was once bitten on the bum by a Boxer. Paws up, I had been giving it a hard time at training classes but it was still a bit uncalled for. Since then I've had this minor difficulty - fear, if you will.

So there's this American Pit Bull - really is: been in police custody, been castrated, number tattooed on its belly - that is allowed by its owner to charge about in the gardens ripping out young trees with its bear (bare - I know, but they are like a BEAR)  teeth, to say nothing of putting the beejaysus up yours truly. The owner is either too dim to understand that it HAS to be on a lead and muzzled in a public place, or he's training it up for something sinister. The police know, the dog warden knows, he's been warned but he still lets this rather large (and may I say, rather handsome) dog go charging around scaring the small and innocent Russells going about their lawful business.

Upshot is: I clapped on the anchors and all thoughts of 'walkies' were abandoned. Still had a decent second breakfast though. PS The claw is all healed. Thanks for your concern. Lx

I love you and I forgive you

If you were re-directed here from Facebook - hello, welcome. If you thought that, after many months blogging silence, I was going to dish the dirt on my master, simply because he had a slight slip with the toe-nail trimmers..............Oh, is that biscuit for me? And your left-over Chinese crispy duck too? Another biscuit? Tummy tickle? Over a bit to the left - that's right - down a bit.

Stocktaking

Do you find that after Christmas you just have too much "stuff"? Given the chance, I would eat it all in one go  rather than have to 'sit nicely' for each pathetic mouthful. Ok, I'd whoopsie, but at least the food boxes would be empty. Anyway, humans are always complaining that they could do with more space so I'd be performing a valuable service.

Currently we have the following in stock:

Baker's Complete Weight Control (no comments please) My allowance is a meagre 15 tiny biscuits per day, the skinflints!

Pedigree Small Bite Mixer (this is a mis-nomer - I have a very LARGE bite and I do not mix very well). I get a mini-handful three times a day a day: firstly in a modified, dead-easy-to-break-into Kong, then  in what was once a squeaky monkey but is now merely a head - sans nose and ears - which we call 'monkey-brain' and lastly in a devious Kong device with a weighted base that I bat round the floor, much to everyone's amusement and the annoyance of the neighbours

1 tin of Co-op something-or-other-in-gravy  - "with beef"

1.5 Dentastix

2.5 air-dried sausages - extra good if you take them into the garden, bury them and dig them up again, then bury them behind a cushion on the sofa before eating

Charcoal Bonio-type objects - for the breath and digestion don't y' know. Buggers are sold by weight so Lord knows how many I still have to endure.

Last knockings of Natural Dog Food Adult Chicken.Who's the adult, me or the chicken?

Feelwell's Benefits "Good Night" - a sort of lightweight Mandrax for dogs

James Wellbeloved 'Minijacks'  - "No beef, no pork, no soya, no wheat, no dairy, no eggs, Noel Edmunds

and finally my favourite 'Burns Kelties' Yummy!

The ingredients of the scoff listed above include the following: duck, liver, brewers' yeast, seaweed, thyme, yucca extract, flax seed, camomile and parsley!! Not so long ago, when you had a dog, right, it slept outside, in  a wooden kennel, in all weathers. You fed it scraps and old bones from the butcher. Now I sleep on a warm duvet, in a centrally heated room. And they say "bring back the good old days" Hah hah!

Next post I hope to include contents of the dreaded medicine-box. This might prove to be unsuitable for those of a nervous disposition.

Take it easy, but take it. Arf arf!

Why the fuss?

I see there is talk of a Royal Commission on whether they should legalise canninebiks.

Legal, shmegal, ( bit of a "Lord of The Rings" reference there, arf arf.)  give me more! Biskwits rule!

The old jokes are the best

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Feel free to add your own!

Jack Russell ( as I say, not technically a dog, but still.......) :  "I can reach it!  I just KNOW I can reach it!  Another twenty jumps, and it's mine, ALL MINE!"

Golden Retriever:  "The sun is shining, the day is young. We've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?"

Border Collie:  "Just one, and I'll replace any wiring that's not up to
scratch."

Toy Poodle:  "I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry."

German Shepherd:  "I'll guard the light bulb while you decide.  Back off!"

Dachshund:  "I can't reach the stupid light!"

Rottweiler:  "Go ahead.  Make me!"

Shi-tzu:  "Puh-leeze, dah-ling, leave it for the servants."

Bichon:  "Ask me again after I finish getting my hair done."

Pug/Bulldog/Boxer: "I can hardly breathe, let alone change a light bulb!"

Labrador:  "Oh, me, ME!  Pleeeeeeze let ME change the bulb!  Can I? Can I?  Huh?  Please! Huh? Can I?"

Malamute:  "Let the Border Collie do it.  You can feed me while he's busy."

Chow Chow:  "I'm with the Malamute.  After I take my nap, that is!"

Akita:  "I'm with the Chow and Malamute!  What's for dinner?"

Husky: "I don't care - I'm used to the dark"

Cocker Spaniel:  "Why change it?  I can still pee on the carpet in the dark."

Springer Spaniel: "Did you have to throw it in the water? Never mind, I'll get it"

Mastiff:  "Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark."

Great Dane:  "Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z."

Chihuahua:  "Yo quiero Taco Bulb." (whatever that means!)

Greyhound/Lurcher/Whippet:  "It isn't moving, so who cares?"

Labradoodles/Cockerpoos/Chirussells/Jackpugs etc. " We were trained at Frankenstein's - so this should be a doddle"